How to keep a health habit when you work and care for an aging parent

Why your own health habit is the first thing to go

Most of the help a parent needs uses the same time your habit used. The walk was at 6 p.m., and now 6 p.m. is the drive to your dad's place. The Saturday run was at 8 a.m., and now Saturday morning is your mom's groceries and the pharmacy pickup. The Tuesday class was after work, and now Tuesday is the night you go over to sort the mail and pay the bills.

Your job has someone waiting on you, and so does your parent. Your walk doesn't have anyone waiting on it, so the walk is the one that gets moved. The guide on prioritizing health on a busy schedule goes into that idea for a single hour on a single day. On this page the bigger point is that it happens every week, not once, because the care keeps going.

The reason the habit stops here is mostly plain time: what care takes, when it shows up, and the fact that there is no end to it on the calendar.

When care takes part of the workday, the work moves into your evening

A lot of care happens during work hours, because that's when clinics, pharmacies, and offices are open. The cardiology appointment is at 2:15 on a Wednesday. The doctor's office calls at 11 a.m. to move Thursday's appointment. The home health company calls at 3 to change the day the nurse comes. Each of these takes a piece of the workday, and the work you didn't get to is still there the next morning if you leave it. So it gets finished at night, after you get home. The evening that used to have the walk in it is now the evening where you finish the report.

You might have the same job, the same desk, and the same start and end time you had before your parent needed help. On paper your work hours haven't changed. The habit still lost its time, because care took part of the day and work took the evening back.

Care for a parent doesn't come with a schedule

Most of the time care takes is set by someone else, and a lot of it comes with little notice. The clinic picks the appointment time. The specialist has one opening in three weeks, on a weekday at 10 a.m. Your mom calls in the middle of a meeting because the furnace is making a noise. Your dad falls on a Sunday night, and that means the emergency room, then a few days in the hospital, then a week of getting things set up at home. Nobody had that week planned.

Because of this, a lot of people stop planning anything for themselves after work. They keep the phone face up on the desk, and they don't book the class or plan the walk, in case the call comes. Most weeks the call doesn't come, and the evening still goes by without the habit.

This is different from what working parents deal with. A kids' schedule is mostly known ahead of time and runs on a school calendar, and even when it changes as kids get older, the changes are usually expected. Care for a parent is mostly not scheduled by you, and the biggest changes come without warning. It's also different from a work schedule that changes every week. On that page the work hours are what move around. Here your work hours may not have changed at all, and it's the care that has no set time.

Why "for now" turns into months

When care starts, most people put their habit on hold "for now." The first weeks are busy, and it seems like it will only be a few weeks. But care for an aging parent doesn't have an end date, and nobody wants to put a date on how long their mom or dad will need help. So there is no date to wait for. A busy season at work has a date on the calendar that people wait for, even if that date moves. Helping a parent doesn't have one at all.

Care also tends to grow over time instead of shrinking. One appointment a month turns into going to every appointment. A weekly phone call turns into doing the groceries every Saturday. Helping out after a fall turns into being there for dinner three nights a week. Each time it grows, it takes a little more of the time the habit used to have, and "for now" gets longer without anyone deciding it should.

This happens to a lot of working people who help a parent. Nobody made a bad choice here. Putting the habit on hold made sense in the first busy weeks, and then the thing that took its time kept going and kept getting bigger.

What this usually looks like in a caregiving week

Here is what this looks like for a few people. A woman's dad had a cardiology appointment the clinic set for 2:15 on a Wednesday. She left work at 1:30, sat in the waiting room for an hour, drove him home, and logged back on at 6 to finish what she missed. Wednesday was the night she walked with her neighbor.

A man drives 50 minutes each way to his mom's house every Tuesday and Thursday after work to do her groceries and go through her mail. Tuesday and Thursday used to be his gym nights.

Another woman has had the same work hours for five years, at the same desk, 8 to 4:30. She hasn't been to her Saturday morning class since her mom stopped driving, because Saturday morning is now the grocery store and the pharmacy.

A man's dad fell on a Sunday night. He spent four days at the hospital and most of the next week getting things set up so his dad could come home. After that, his dad needed someone there three evenings a week instead of one, and his evening run never made it back into the week.

Two years ago, a woman went to one appointment a month with her mom. Now she goes to all of them, does the groceries, and has dinner at her mom's place every Sunday. She stopped cooking her lunches for the week "for now" when the Sunday dinners started, and she hasn't started again.

A daughter lives three hours from her parents and drives up every other weekend. On those weekends her long walk doesn't happen. On the weekends in between, she does laundry and catches up on work.

A man keeps his phone face up on his desk and doesn't plan anything after work in case his sister calls about their mom. Most weeks nobody calls. He still hasn't been to the pool in four months.

Nobody in these examples decided to give up the habit. Care took the time the habit used, more care kept coming, and there was never a week when the habit had an obvious place to come back.

Why exercise snacks, "schedule it like an appointment," and self-care advice don't fix this

Most of the advice out there for working caregivers who want to look after their own health is some mix of exercise snacks and 10 to 15 minute workouts, home workouts, "schedule your exercise like a medical appointment," self-care articles, burnout warning signs, respite care, and asking an employer for flexible hours or leave.

The short-workout and appointment advice assumes you have a time you control and you only need a smaller or firmer version of the habit. The real problem is that care keeps taking the time, often with little notice, and it doesn't end. A shorter workout still needs a time in the day. An appointment you made with yourself is still the first thing to move when the clinic calls with the only opening they have.

The self-care and burnout articles are mostly about how you feel. This page is about where the time went. That advice answers a different question than the one most people in this spot are asking, which is closer to "where did my walk go, and why hasn't it come back?"

What to think about when care keeps taking the habit's time

Here are some plain questions to ask about your own weeks. They are for thinking about. They are not a procedure, a checklist, or a plan.

• When did I last do the habit, and what was going on with my mom or dad around that time?
• When I stopped, did I tell myself it was "for now"? Is there anything coming up that would actually end "for now"?
• How much of my week does care take now, compared with when I first stopped the habit?
• Is the habit losing to the care itself, or to the work I finish at night after an appointment took part of my afternoon?
• Am I keeping my evenings open in case a call comes, even in the weeks when no call comes?
• Is the habit still tied to the evening or the weekend morning it had before I started helping, even though that time now goes to the drive or the groceries?

Working while you help care for a parent is a situation where the habit has to be thought about on purpose. The care is ongoing, it has no end date, and the habit's time won't come back by itself. This page does not lay out how to do that. That part is what practical time management around one practice is for.

How this differs from nearby Healthy & Awake guides

This page is about keeping one health habit when you work and help care for a parent, and the care takes the habit's time, comes without much warning, and has no end date. Nearby pages answer different questions.

• Health habits for working parents is about the kids' schedule, which is mostly known ahead of time and runs on the school calendar. If you have kids and help a parent too, that page covers the kids' side.
• Keeping a health habit through a busy season at work is about a known work crunch with a promised end date and the plan to wait until it's over. Caring for a parent has no date to wait for.
• Keeping a health habit when your work schedule changes every week is about work hours that change by design. Here the work hours may be the same as always, and the care is what has no set time.
• Prioritizing health on a busy schedule is about one hour where the walk and one other thing need the same time.
• Getting back on track after a busy week is about returning after one bad week that is already over. After a parent's week in the hospital, the care usually keeps going.
• Why health goals fail on a busy schedule is about a schedule that is busy all the time, where the goal never got a real place in the week.
• Sticking to health goals when the day keeps changing is about follow-through when a regular day gets interrupted.

How do I keep a health habit when I work full time and help care for my mom or dad?

Start by seeing why it stopped. Care for a parent usually takes the same evenings and weekends the habit used, and appointments take parts of the workday, so work moves into the evening. Care also comes without much warning and has no end date. A habit put on hold "for now" when care started has no natural point to come back, so it has to be thought about on purpose instead of waiting for things to settle.

Why doesn't the habit come back once things settle down?

With care for an aging parent, things often don't settle the way people expect. After a hospital stay or a hard month, the care usually keeps going, and often there is more of it than before. There is no end date to wait for, so people keep waiting for a quieter week to start the habit again, and that week doesn't come.

When is practical time-management support worth considering?

When you already know what to do for your health and the problem is that one practice keeps losing its time to the care you give a parent, practical time management around that one practice is a different kind of help than a short workout list or a self-care article. It does not replace your doctor, and it will not make the care smaller.

Questions about your own health belong with your doctor. If you are in the U.S. and looking for local services for older adults, you can search the Eldercare Locator from the U.S. Administration for Community Living.

Where Healthy & Awake Time Management fits

Healthy & Awake Time Management is a $47 practical time-management course for working adults who already know what to do for their health and lose one practice when something like helping a parent takes over the time it used to have. It is educational time management around health. It is not medical care, caregiver support, counseling, advice about your parent's care, or a nutrition or sleep plan. One payment includes lifetime access on the current offer, and the current offer comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee. It will not make your parent's care smaller or more predictable.

Also related: Health habits for working parents and Keeping a health habit through a busy season at work. Back to Healthy & Awake.